


Someone Give Richie A Phone (Except Don't)

by dysphoriccanada



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Asexual Character, Bisexual Beverly Marsh, Bisexual Bill Denbrough, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, I wanted to give richie a phone and see what would happen, Modern AU, Multi, asexual stan uris, but he aint scary demon rude ass, but its cool bc he's also the token Dad Friend, chat fic, i dont want angst for long, its gonna be okay, just regular greasy rude ass, like a few chapters, mike is the Token Straight Guy, mike thinks hes slick, pennywise is a dude in a clown suit that is a rude ass, polysexual ben hanscom, stan and bill are queer-platonic for a lil bit, the losers club Gets Up To Shit, then bill fucks up lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-01-22 01:38:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12470608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dysphoriccanada/pseuds/dysphoriccanada
Summary: Basically....... Bev, Mike, and Ben get inducted into the Loser's Club.... which is just a group chat Richie made for him and The Boys............ I have no idea just read it and laugh at everyone laughing at Richie





	1. Welcom 2 Lame-0 Skwad

**Author's Note:**

> ??? Richie invites the Pure Kids (and Bev) to fuckin hell lmao

October 23rd   
4:51pm

TRASHMOUTH added BITCHMARSH , BENSCOMHANSCOM and MIKEWAZOWSKI to LAME-O SKWAD

 

bitchmarsh: literally wtf 

bigbill: Welcome to the losers club

trashmouth exCUSE you BILLIAM it's the LAME-O SKWAD READ THE CHAT NAME

bigbill: shut up ???

mikewazowski: no seriously... wtf

stantheman: thanks for helping us beat down that cl*wn. this is your reward 

benscomhanscom: a group chat with a weeb and a furry ?

stantheman: yes

trashmouth: yes

mynameisnteds: yes

bigbill: I'M NOT A FURRY

bitchmarsh: don't lie to me billiam

bitchmarsh: if that even is your name

bigbill: IT'S NOT ???

trashmouth: tsk tsk billiam. lying to your own mother. shameful.

bitchmarsh: honestly billiam,, your father and I don't know what to do with you anymore,,,,

trashmouth: calm yourself my dear, we can only do so much

bigbill: honestly end your entire existence 

mikewazowski: still have no idea whats happening

trashmouth: bev and I are questioning our parenting 

mikewazowski: that answers 0 questions and gives me like 10 more 

trashmouth: understandable 

stantheman: but yeah. you helped save georgies life basically, so thanks. that cl*wn fucker was the last thing we needed. 

benscomhanscom: what even was happening, we just saw you guys trying to beat up this dude and there was a child crying we didn't question before intervening should we have

stantheman: no you literally helped save georgies life

stantheman: like he was actually going to die

bitchmarsh: bACK up

bitchmarsh: what

bigbill: my brother and I don't have the best luck with cl*wns

mynameisnteds: none of us do

mynameisnteds: I broke my first bone because of a clown

stantheman: I almost got my face ripped apart

trashmouth: I got locked in a closet 

bigbill: and my brother (almost) got abducted and lost an arm. I just got fuckin traumatized 

mynameisnteds: we were 12-13

bigbill: georgie was 6 lol 

bitchmarsh: YO WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

bitchmarsh: AND THEN THAT SHIT YESTERDAY

mikewazowski: CAN I GET A LITTLE MORE CONTEXT

bigbill: my parents took the guys and I to the fair with georgie. we went into the fun house

stantheman: there was a cl*wn working in there that Was Not Supposed To Be

mynameisnteds: he messed with our minds so bad we were in there for an hour. he separated us and literally it was some fucking jigsaw shit at one point 

trashmouth: dude went missing after that. never caught.

bigbill: but then PLOT TWIST !! he's been living in the fucking sewers, and he came back after four years to try and get revenge or some shit

bigbill: like you already got my brothers fucking arm why do you need the rest of him, let us live gtfo kys

benscomhanscom: I want to hug all of you and make sure you never leave the house again what the actual hell

mynameisnteds: lmao have fun keeping richie in one place

trashmouth: yeah I gotta go fuck eds mom :/

mynameisnteds: first of all: thats not my name. second: BEEP BEEP RICHIE YOU SHITBAG

mikewazowski: ?? beep beep ??

stantheman: when we want richie to shut up we say beep beep. like making a vehicle back up. works every time.

bitchmarsh: does it actually work though

mynameisnteds: he hasnt said anything has he?

bitchmarsh: oh shit you right

trashmouth: I WAS TALKIN TO MY SISTER LITERALLY GO FUCK YOURSELF 

bitchmarsh: you have a sister?

stantheman: I mean his parents talk about her like shes their sun and stars but we've never actually seen her. richie mainly uses her as an excuse as to why he doesnt answer us back when we say beep beep

benscomhanscom: #exposed

trashmouth: kys I refuse to be exploited like this

mynameisnteds: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

trashmouth: Every Day I Love You More

mynameisnteds: mood

mikewazowski: can I ask a question

trashmouth: nope

mikewazowski: understandable, have a good day

6:21pm

bigbill: moving on along

bigbill: who wants to sleep over this weekend

bitchmarsh: i'll tell my aunt you're all gay and it'll be chill

stantheman: I mean........ you wouldn't be half wrong

bitchmarsh: qu'est-ce que what now 

trashmouth: bill fucks pans, stan doesn't fuck with anything, eds fucks with me, and I fuck with the Good Kush

mynameisnteds: first of all: my name is eddie

mynameisnteds: second of all: I AM NOT FUCKING RICHIE

mynameisnteds: however I am low key into That Dick

stantheman: "low key"

stantheman: ha

stantheman: good one

mynameisnteds: literally shove your binoculars up your ass and fuck yourself 

stantheman: no thanks im not into that, but if its been running through your little mind maybe you should ask richie he would help you out

bigbill: so can anyone sleep over

stantheman: I basically live at your house already tell your parents I'll be there no matter what

mikewazowski: my grandpa is just happy I have friends, so yeah, ill be there

bensomhanscom: I'll bring snacks and good vibes count me in

bigbill: cool beans

bitchmarsh: my aunt went ahead and said she doesnt fucking care and is actually real happy im not hanging out with a bunch of cunt bags so yeah all good here

bigbill: cooler beans 

trashmouth: I'll bring my Good Humor and Friendship 

mynameisnteds: neither of those things exist when it comes to you

bigbill: this is true

trashmouth: fine I won't come then 

bigbill: no wait 

bigbill: I was kidding

trashmouth: screenshot 

bigbill: no wait

mynameisnteds: too late

mynameisnteds: we're all coming

bigbill: coolest beans

bitchmarsh: so what now

stantheman: now you're officially in the Losers Club

trashmouth: LAME-O SKWAD

STANTHEMAN has removed TRASHMOUTH from the chat

mynameisnteds: thank you father

stantheman: ye


	2. Shut the Fuck Up Richie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> psa that I'm not gonna do dates anymore, just times,,,, bc im inconsistent,,, also im not gonna do holiday specific chapters, mainly bc i know ill never follow a schedule

12:42 pm  
LAME-O SKWAD

bigbill: hello friend who I love so very much and would never wish ill upon, would anyone perchance know what happened to my oh so lovely pudding cup during lunch

trashmouth: maybe

bigbill: fucker

stantheman: get fucked bitchie

bitchmarsh: BITCHIE 

mikewazowski: bitchie ??

mynameisnteds: biTCHIE

stantheman: I know what I said

benscomhanscom: HHHHHH

bigbill: oh my go d

trashmouth: *softly but with feeling* what the fuck, stan

stantheman: I dont have time for your shit bitchie, get fucked

trashmouth: jesUS CHRIST

stantheman: I'm jewish you imbecile 

bitchmarsh: BEN JUST STARTED CRYING SDNODNOD

mynameisnteds: stan,,, chill

stantheman: suck a dick <3

mynameisnteds: WHAT DID I DO

stantheman: you let richie near me

mikewazowski: I love stanning a legend

stantheman: was that a fucking pun michael 

mikewazowski: what, no

stantheman: better fucking not be

bitchmarsh: got any sav left for me stanley 

stantheman: nah you fucking terrify me, you're probably the only person here who I won't fuck over verbally 

bitchmarsh: im love

stantheman: <3

benscomhanscom: WHAT ABOUT ME

stantheman: go back to jerking off to a history book 

trashmouth: HHHHHHHH

bigbill: stan

stantheman: what

bigbill: dont be mean :(

stantheman: but biiiiiiiiiill

bigbill: :(

stantheman: heavy sigh

stantheman: I'm sorry, I'll try and be less of a savage I guess. It was rude of me to go after our new friends, you guys probably weren't expecting that. Richie, I should try and lay off a bit I guess, but you could also put a little effort into not actively pissing me off. Eddie you've done nothing wrong ily. Bev,,,, you still scare me but ily.

bigbill: :)

mikewazowski: ,,,,,,

mikewazowski: can I ask a question nOW

stantheman: no

mikewazowski: HEAVY SIGH

 

7:26pm

benscomhanscom has changed their name to haystack 

bitchmarsh: ?????

haystack: richie told me to

bitchmarsh: ah

mikewazowski: speaking of which

mikewazowski: richie dissapeared fourth period ??? like bitch this is my first year of literal school do not leave me alone in class I need answers you sick son of a bitch

haystack: eddie wasnt in fourth either !!

mikewazowski: hmm

bitchmarsh: what

mikewazowski: nothin 

bitchmarsh: fucker you said hmm obviously its somethin

mikewazowski: no just

mikewazowski: can I ask my question yet

mynameisnteds: nope

trashmouth: eds says no so no

bigbill: maybe later

stantheman: you can. but you won't get an answer.

bitchmarsh: ah

mikewazowski: yeah

haystack: I'm still confused

stantheman: stay that way

haystack: ,,,rude

stantheman: sorry

mikewazowski: 10$ stan only said sorry because he's with bill

stantheman: I Have No Idea What You Mean

bitchmarsh: ahh

bigbill: close your mouth bev, you'll catch flies

bitchmarsh: close your mouth bill, you'll catch jizz

trashmouth: damn you're perspective 

haystack: um.... don't you mean perceptive ?

trashmouth: nah dude, pretty sure it's perspective 

mynameisnteds: baby,,,, how you so smart but so dumb

mikewazowski: LET ME ASK MY FUCKING QUESTION

haystack: ^^^^^^

trashmouth: nah this is fun

mikewazowski: Why Do We Live If Just To Suffer

stantheman: you're friends with us now, sorry Mikey this is what happens when you become losers

mikewazowski: what, watch my new/only friends partake in act 3 of a gay greek tragedy?

trashmouth: ???

mikewazowski: YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU WERE IN ENGLISH TODAY YOU WEEB FUCK

haystack: Act Three of a Greek Tragedy: The Point of Crisis

haystack: only this time 

haystack: it's Gay with a capital G

trashmouth: I mean

trashmouth: You Aint That Wrong Bitch

bitchmarsh: HEAVY FUCKING SIGH

stantheman: hold up

stantheman: before I say anything

stantheman: do you guys actually know and just joking around or are you just totally clueless and think you're being smart

mynameisnteds: stan please don't make them feel dumb 

stantheman: no I neED TO KNOW EDDIE

trashmouth: o shit stan u srs

stantheman: d e a d l y

trashmouth: hhhholy fuckign s hit

trashmouth: MIKE 

mikewazowski: WHAT

trashmouth: WHATS YOUR FUCKIGN QUESTION

mikewazowski: FINALLY

mikewazowski: yall fuckin

trashmouth: HOLY SHIT

stantheman: I FUCKING CALLED IT

bigbill: BE NICE

stantheman: NO

trashmouth; HOLY FUCV K ING SHIT

bitchmarsh: IM SO CONFUSED 

mynameisnteds changed their name to myloveisrichie

trashmouth changed their name to trashforeds

stantheman changed their name to billsman

bigbill changed their name to stansbill

haystack: HOW LONG WHAT THE FCU K

trashforeds: hmmmmm

trashforeds: well, I fell for eddie bear in like fourth grade

myloveisrichie: but we got together in like,,, seventh grade???

myloveisrichie: fiveish years strong boiiiis

billsman: bill and I just,,,,,, happend 

stansbill: about a year ago 

bitchmarsh: IVE BEEN GOING TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS YOUR FUCKS FOR THREE YEARS AND I NEVER KNEW ??? I MEAN I SUSPECTED RICH AND EDDIE BUT WHAT ???

myloveisrichie: its not like we hide it

billsman: but we also never get noticed by literally anyone but a handful of teachers 

trashforeds: literally everyone ,, EVERYONE ,, calls us the f slur and shit

stansbill: was it bowers or gretta that called us the muskequeers

myloveisrichie: bill you dumb whore that was us, and then bowers and his gang STOLE it just like they stole richies WEED

stansbill: o shit u rite

haystack: I think you guys broke mike

stansbill: should we cut it back a bit

bitchmarsh: ShOuLd We CuT iT bAcK a BiT

stansbill: ,,,

stansbill changed their name to billdenbrhoe 

billsman changed their name to stanleythemanly

myloveisrichie changed their name to getfuckedrichie

trashforeds: this is homophobic 

getfuckedrichie changed their name to lovernotloser

trashforeds: cutie <3

trashforeds changed their name to youngezramiller 

bitchmarsh: thats better

 

9:55pm 

bitchmarsh: anyone know if mike is okay

mikewazowski: I had an aneurysm and died 

bitchmarsh: rip bud we'll play fall out boy at your funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happened


	3. The One Where Bill Is Kind Of A Bad Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oops I'm venting and now everyone is in pain :)
> 
>  
> 
> lowkey everyone is a lil ooc in this lmao

9:28 am LAME-O SKWAD trashforeds: I still can't belive yall didnt know

haystack: honestly now that it's confirmed I can't believe I didn't notice either you guys are so obvious

haystack: I seriously watched you walk up to Eddie and grab his ass today and he didn't even react

lovernotloser: that's mainly just because I'm used to it though, he does it to bill and stan too

billdenbrhoe: okay but we also rEACT

stanleythemanly: Whenever Richie comes near me I take up a fighting stance. I'm always ready to punch him out.

trashforeds: i'd be into that

stanleythemanly: Disgusting.

bitchmarsh: ditto @ richie

trashforeds: see i knew there was a reason i liked u ms. marsh

bitchmarsh: that and I stole weed from bowers for you yesterday

trashforeds: u rite u rite

stanleythemanly: Will there ever be a day you just type 'You' and capitalize 'I'?

trashforeds: yeah.... the same day I go down on youR MOM OOOOOOOOOOO

bitchmarsh: OOOOOOOOOOO

STANLEYTHEMANLY has removed TRASHFOREDS from LAME-O SKWAD

bitchmarsh: OOOOOOOOOOO x2

LOVERNOTLOSERS has added TRASHFOREDS to LAME-OSKWAD

lovernotloser: don't disrespect my mans Staniel

bitchmarsh: AWWWWWWWWWW

trashmouth: Eddison

lovernotloser: Eddie***

trashmouth: Eds

lovernotloser: Eddie***

trashmouth: Eddie Spaghetti

lovernotloser: Eddie***

trashmouth: Eddie Bear

lovernotloser: Eddie***

trashmouth: BITCH MOTHERFUCKER

lovernotloser: Yes?

haystack: oh my g od

bitchmarsh: ben y dont u love me like that

haystack: o h mygo d

trashmouth: SHUT UP

trashmouth: EDDIE

lovernotloser: RICHIE

trashmouth: I LOVE YOU

lovernotloser: STFU

lovernotloser: ILY2

stanleythemanly: I just threw the fuck up.

billdenbrhoe: Stan

stanleythemanly: Bill

mikewazowski: please don't

billdenbrhoe: Stan I love your face

stanleythemanly: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiloveyourfacetoo

mikewazowski: Disgustign

bitchmarsh: this is all so gross Im Soft as hell

mikewazowski: ^^^

haystack: wow I love my friends in their happy and healthy relationships even if it only reminds me of how single I am

trashmouth: worm?

bitchmarsh: richie stfu

trashmouth: wHAT DID I DO

stanleythemanly: What didn't you do?

trashmouth: understandable have a good day

 

11:56am

LAME-O SQWAD

haystack: Okay I never thought I'd say this

haystack: But fuck the library SO HARD

trashmouth: GASP

bitchmarsh: G ASP

billdenbrhoe: :O

haystack: THE LIBRARIAN IS A BITCH AND PEOPLE ARE ONLY HERE TO MAKEOUT BEHIND SHELVES WHY JUST WHY JUST READ YOUR FUC K IN G BOOKS AND LEAVE YOU NASTY FUCKS

trashmouth: is this a call out

haystack: YES YOU FUCKING WALNUT I HATE YOU I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING ABOUT ME LOVING YOUR HAPPY AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP GO BE GROSS SOMEWHERE ELSE

lovernotloser: I'm sorry

haystack: NO YOU'RE NOT

lovernotloser: No I'm not

haystack: >:(

bitchmarsh: GASP

billdenbrhoe: :O

stanleythemanly: wtf is happening

bitchmarsh: Ben is ANGRY

stanleythemanly: :-O

bitchmarsh: stop

stanleythemanly: What

bitchmarsh: go back

bitchmarsh: what the fresh HELL is that

stanleythemanly: ?? He's gasping ??

stanleythemanly: :-/

bitchmarsh: BILL COME COLLECT YO MANS BEFORE I HURT SOMEONE

stanleythemanly: WHAT DID I DO?

billdenbrhoe: Why am I being called

billdenbrhoe: STAN NO

stanleythemanly: PEOPLE NEED NOSES TO BREATH BILL.

billdenbrhoe: NOT ON TEXT THEY DONT

stanleythemanly: GRAMMAR, SWINE.

billdenbrhoe: PROPER EMOJIS, NODDLE

stanleythemanly: FUCK, FUCK OFF OKAY I'M SORRY THAT I GIVE MY EMOJI'S NOSES?

bitchmarsh: this way too intense chill

stanleythemanly: SHUT THE WHOLE FUCK UP BEVERLY.

bitchmarsh: fuck you then, fine, I'll see you in english, bye.

 

private chat- billygoat , stanleyfromtheoffice

billygoat: STOP YELLING AT OUR FRIENDS KFDSLFHAL

stanleyfromtheoffice: STOP THIRSTING OVER OTHER PEOPLE WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP

billygoat: WE'RE QUEER-PLATONIC ?? WE'RE ALSO AN OPEN COUPLE ??

stanleyfromtheoffice: GOD FUCK YOU WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID SOMETIMES

billygoat: I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY WE'RE FIGHTING I JUST WANT YOU TO STOP USING A FUCKING NOSE IN YOUR EMOJIS

stanleyfromtheoffice: WELL MAYBE I WANT AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP INSTEAD OF WHATEVER THIS BULLSHIT IS JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE """LONELY""" GOD FUCK YOU BILL SHUT THE FUCK UP!

billygoat: WELL FINE FUCK YOU TOO I GUESS ?

stanleyfromtheoffice: FUCK DELETE MY FUCKING NUMBER I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO YOU UNLESS WE'RE WITH THE GROUP FUCK YOU'RE SO STUPID!

billygoat: FUCKING GLADLY, BUT REMEMBER TO REMIND ME IN CASE I FUCK UP SINCE I'M SO GODDAMN STUPID.

stanleyfromtheoffice: FUCK YOU

 

1:25

LAME-O SKWAD

trashmouth: so

trashmouth: that happened I guess

trashmouth: jesus fuck are you guys really fighting over a fucking emoji, I'm not even that stupid or petty

stanleythemanly: A) Fuck you, Trashmouth.

stanleythemanly: B) I'm so proud of you for using a capital I and writing out you.

trashmouth: cool beans

billdenbrhoe: don't steal my catchphrase

trashmouth: guess I'll just steal your mANS

billdenbrhoe: careful, he's clingy as fuck and doesn't understand what """"""open"""""" means

mikewazowski: u m

stanleythemanly: Are you fucking serious this only happened less than an hour ago why are you completely fucking idiotic.

billdenbrhoe: OH! Right sorry, forgot this was my fault, because I know what I was getting into when I asked for a non-sexual or romantic relationship when I was SAD AND ALONE

billdenbrhoe: :)

stanleythemanly: God go FUCK YOURSELF you complete fucking TRASH BAG you know EXACTLY HOW I FELT

bitchmarsh: is this seriously happening right now

stanleythemanly: OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!

bitchmarsh: OH MY GOD! JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS!

stanleythemanly: MY PROBLEM! IS THAT WE WERE JUST FINE! UNTIL YOU WALKED THE FUCK INTO THE PICTURE! AND SUDDENLY MY S/O DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO JUST HANG OUT AND CUDDLE ANYMORE BECAUSE ALL HE CAN F U C K I N G TALK ABOUT!!! IS YOU!!!

bitchmarsh: AND THAT'S MY FAULT????

stanleythemanly: OF COURSE IT FUCKING ISN'T I DON'T BLAME YOU, I FUCKING LOVE YOU, BUT THE SECOND YOU'RE AROUND BILL IS A FUCKING IDIOT AND DOES NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT ANYONE ELSE IF I'M BEING REAL SERIOUS HERE

billdenbrhoe: Do I get any say in that, you fucking asshole?

stanleythemanly: YOU'VE HAD A SAY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE SINCE WE WERE SIX DO NOT TRY AND PULL THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW

stanleythemanly: GOD FUCK IT I'M LEAVING I'LL SEE YOU GUYS ON MONDAY

lovernotloser: Stan, it's only wednesday don't say shit like that

stanleythemanly: I WILL SEE YOU

stanleythemanly: ON MONDAY

STANLEYTHEMANLY has left LAME-O SKWAD

lovernotloser: god FUCKING damnit he just walked out of class

lovernotloser: richie

trashmouth: on it. see y'all later

haystack: why did richie just leave class

haystack: nvm got it

haystack: w o w

billdenbrhoe: can I say something

bitchmarsh: I think maybe we should all shut the whole fuck up until we can talk in person, and until we know that our resident Mom Friend is okay.

billdenbrhoe: I thought I was Mom Friend?

bitchmarsh: ...William.

billdenbrhoe: sorry.

trashmouth: Barrens. 8 o'clock. No exceptions. -Stan

**Author's Note:**

> I am exactly 0% sorry :)


End file.
